


but If you loved me why did you leave me

by kaskun



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Endgame, Goodbyes, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, endgame spoilers, help me I'm a mess, not beta'd because we die like men, writing this as my own therapy for Endgame, wrote this in an empty lecture theatre because class was cancelled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 14:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18830665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaskun/pseuds/kaskun
Summary: Bucky knew it was coming.Knew as soon as Steve offered to take the stones back to their original times what he was planning. He wasn’t coming back.





	but If you loved me why did you leave me

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from All I Want by Kodaline

Bucky knew it was coming.

Knew as soon as Steve offered to take the stones back to their original times what he was planning. He wasn’t coming back. He kept the smile plastered on his face despite this as Steve turned to smile at him softly. The smile that turned up Bucky’s lips felt more like a grimace, a pained wax mask that might shatter at any second. 

What had happened to ‘the end of the line’, huh?

Had that just been a lie too? He felt a stab of anger pulse through his heart but it quickly subsided. No, he couldn’t be angry at Steve for long. It pained him more than any blow could to try to twist his heart into any attempt at hate. He could never hate Steve. 

Still, as Steve clapped him on the shoulder and gave him a quizzical look, his brows furrowing every so slightly, Bucky thought maybe it would be easier if he did hate him. “Buck?”

The nickname (a nickname of a nickname, geez Stevie) made his chest constrict and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. His next words came out as a sharp gasp, a pained inhale of air. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” The slightly accusatory tone behind his words made him flinch. 

Steve frowned deeper, “Bucky,” he began but he couldn’t bear what he was going to say next so he cut across him.

“You deserve it, y’know. You could have your life with Peggy, like you deserve. You can finally get what you want.” He bit his own tongue to hold back the hot prickle of tears that threatened to fall. He twisted his mouth into a smile— could Steve see the utter pain behind his eyes? He felt like he was falling apart at the seams, as if the world was crumbling beneath him as he stood, his legs shook slightly.

Steve’s expression softened slightly and there etched in his features, in the new lines in his face that Bucky hadn’t noticed until now, was a bone-aching tiredness. “You know I couldn’t leave you, Buck.” 

And now Bucky was angry. “You’re staying?”

Steve looked taken aback, hurt in his eyes. “You don’t want me to?”

Bucky gaped at him, bewildered, hurt, betrayed. “Of course I do. But don’t let me be the one to stop you from being happy. Please don’t make me the one who makes you throw away this chance. Please, Steve.” He couldn’t hold back the tears now, they rolled thick and hot down his cheeks. He scrubbed at them with the back of his hand in frustration. 

Because Bucky was selfish. If Steve offered to stay for him he would take him back in a second. He hated himself for the thought, at the bitterly sharp pang of want that threatened to overflow from him. He wanted to snatch back Steve and never let go. 

Steve made to move— maybe to wipe away the tears, maybe to steady Bucky, but he stepped back out of reach. Steve’s hand dropped to his side uselessly. He couldn’t bear to have him touch him right now, if he did he wouldn't be able to do what he had to… he couldn’t force himself to push him away… it was easier this way, he told himself. 

Steve set his mouth in a straight line, there was a challenge in his eyes. That resolute dumbass stubbornness that made Bucky think of the ’40s where his biggest problem was keeping Steve out of fights and seeing that he made it through the night during a bout of sickness. 

The man who stood before him wasn’t the boy he had fallen in love with. He had the same eyes— blue with the faintest hint of green, the same fucking way of crossing his arms across his chest when he was being obstinate. “Tell me to stay.”

This hit like a kick to the stomach. He felt as if his breath would never return. He finally managed to choke out. “Please don’t make this harder.” His voice was barely above a whisper, he thought that maybe Steve hadn’t heard him at first.

“I’ll go back and rescue you like I should have. Pull you from the ice.” 

Bucky forced a smile, it felt bitter on his lips. 

Who was this stranger with Steve's face he was staring at, he found himself wondering? What had these 5 years done to him? The thought left him cold. This Steve had moved on, he had grieved for Bucky and was ready to move on and find a life to live. Bucky was the one who couldn't move on, stuck in the past. 

Somehow this made the next part easier. “Come with me then.”

“Can’t Steve.” didn’t want to think what would happen to the space-time continuum or whatever Tony had called it, if there were two Bucky’s in one place at the same time. But there was more than that. “You have a chance to get me, the real me, back.”

“You are the real you.” Steve’s frown deepened.

“No, I’m not.” Bucky shook his head. “And we’ve both known it for a while. I haven’t been the same since the day I fell. I’m broken, Steve.”

“You’re not broken!” And now it was Steve’s turn to sound angry. Bucky was taken aback at his heated words. “Tell me to stay and I will. I can help you heal.”

And he knows its a lie. They both do. “You can’t help Stevie. My best hope is staying here— Wakanda, Shuri… Sam.” He smiled. “Hell,” he smirked and for a second he felt like he was James Buchanan Barnes, the old swagger and charm felt like wearing a strangers skin. “The future’s awesome, ain’t no way I’m going back to boiled food and polio. Can’t say I’ll miss it.” 

Steve was quiet for a long time, Bucky thought he might cry, but his eyes remained hard and dry. His voice came out low and choked. “Promise me you’ll be ok, Buck.”

“I promise, punk.” He croaked.

There was a pained look in his eyes but Steve punched him in the arm lightly. “Jerk.”

The exchange was too painful for Bucky. In another time this would have been normal, how he yearned to go back to a simpler time. “promise me something in return.”

“Anything.”

“Find the old me and be happy. Have what I couldn’t have. At least in one timeline, I’ll know I got my happy ending.” The bittersweet pain threatened to engulf him. “I can’t go back but you have this chance.”

“You’ll be ok, Buck.” Steve clapped him on the shoulder and Bucky forced a smile, swallowing his tears. 

That night Bucky managed to fall asleep in the early moments of the morning, grey light filtering through the curtains and slanting across his bed. It felt cold and empty. He rolled over and has to squeeze his eyes shut as the urge to run to Steve and beg him to stay, reared up in him. He clenched his fist tightly around the blanket, an ugly jealousy reared its head and he allowed himself to cry properly. It was stifled, but honest and angry and spiteful at whoever wrote this fate for him. Let Steve have his happy ending, he’d suffer for eternity just to have Steve smile, even if that meant him not being in the picture. The thought stung. 

Remarkably he managed to keep his composure the next day as he saw Steve off. 

“I’m going to miss you, pal.” Steve enclosed him in a hug that felt like it lasted for a century too long and yet not long enough. Bucky had to fight himself not to linger on it longer than it was already ripping a new hole in his heart. "Try not to do anything stupid while I'm gone."

Bucky couldn’t help the smile that broke across his face, it felt like his cheeks were cracking with the unfamiliarity. "How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

He lingered on Steve's face for a moment, taking in his eyes, the planes of his face, everything, and committing it to memory. He swallowed hard. 

Steve stepped onto the platform and Bucky tucked his hands into his pockets, hanging back as the machine whirred and Steve gave him a final reassuring smile before he disappeared. 

They waited, five seconds came and went. Sam and Bruce exchanged words that sounded worried but Bucky couldn’t make them out, he felt numb, his eyes were transfixed on the place where Steve had vanished. A figure caught his attention from the corner of his eye and he turned, huffing a humourless laugh. 

He nodded to Sam to approach the bent figure sitting on the bench overlooking the lake, hanging back and finally, now alone, letting his smile fade.


End file.
